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“To be here love being here. Thanks everybody nthank you love being here. We need need more asian people. Nin this.
Country it s not enough right. Now we. re 56. Nof.
The population get that number right up. We need more asian people nin this country. I ll tell you why because we are the only nobjective referees laughter in your ongoing race war between white and black people because you don t care about us. And we don t care nabout.
Any of you laughter. No no nso you can trust us. We tell you things nthere s no agenda. There s no reason to lie nbecause.
We don t care like lately. There s been na lot of skirmishes between white nand..
Black people white. People. Calling. The police non black people for very innocuous activities nlike barbecuing in the park or entering your own homes.
Nright next. Time. You feel aggrieved ndo. N t call.
The police call the asians. We will come in and arbitrate nany. Situation for you impartially and without bias nbecause. We don t care like if you called us into nstarbucks that day.
We d be like yo these two black guys are nsitting down drinking coffee. Why don t you drink your latte nand shut the hell up laughter and applause because we don t care applause yeah because our skin is not nin the game literally nfl nba our skin is nin none of those games laughter so we don t give a damn nwho is kneeling at what okay. I don t care about your fantasy nfootball draft analysis. We just want things to work asian people just want nthings to work we re not distracted by the nspectacle of show business.
We just want things to work so we give it to you straight you can trust us nto. Tell the truth ugly truth nbut truth..
Nonetheless alright nlike yo white people yo bohemian rhapsody sucks laughter. It s an undanceable song kindly stop chanting it nat parties if you must nkeep. It to your shower. Okay no hatred nthere s no hatred here.
It s just information. I m not saying this nto make you feel bad. I m just letting you know this is the situation. Okay we give it both ways nwe.
Give it both ways. Okay. Yo black. People yo.
A little noisy nin. The movie theater. Okay again no hatred nthere s no hatred here. It s just solutions.
That s all we offer nboth your people solutions nnothing more nothing less. We need an asian president man that s what we need nyeah man or woman nman or woman get that asian president nin..
The white house. We will fix this place nin. A week laughter. I promise you give us a solid eight days you will see results nbecause.
We don t care. We just want things to work imagine all the asian people nin government just going down the list nof broken things in america fixing. It one by one nwith. No agenda just pure logic just going down the list.
Yeah. That s fine nthat s fine that works nthat s okay. That s kind of okay. That s broken that s broken nepa is broken medicare is broken.
Do your job. Just slapping people nin. The face laughter. Yeah.
Ngovernment shutdown yo. There s no ngovernment shutdown with asian people in charge..
We don t shut down for anything we don t shut down nfor christmas. Loud cheers and applause yeah do you understand we work through public. Holidays any city in america when it s n3 00 am and you re hungry. Where do you go you go to chinatown nthat s where you go that s right cause things are delicious naffordable and open.
We don t shut down for anything thanksgiving means nnothing to me do you understand nhow meaningless. The concept of thanksgiving nis to me screw. Turkey nit s dry. I d rather fix healthcare nthan.
Eat turkey how about that is that someone you want nin charge. Please vote for the asians nwhen you get a chance think how inspirational nthat would be if we have the first nasian president what an inspirational message nthat would send to asian children neverywhere in america. If we have the first asian npresident you could finally go up to asian children anywhere nin america and you can say hey listen buddy you don t have to be njust a neurosurgeon laughter. Thank you u266a u266a u266a u266a ronny chieng see him on tour soon in austin nsan francisco and australia.
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Ronny Chieng makes his Tonight Show debut with jokes about Asian people objectively mediating racial tensions and helping the government function better.
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Ronny Chieng Stand-Up
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